Ground Rules
by IceCrome
Summary: Mamoru, learning about the magical magic that is fanfiction, decides to take it upon himself and fix the errors in the fandom. Crack. TwoShot.
1. Chapter 1

_Because the clichés all need to die. And, apparently, I'm going to have to bring them down._

_Goddammit, how did I know this was going to happen._

_© Naoko Takeuchi_

_All opinions are expressed by me and do not necessarily represent the ideas of Ms. Takeuchi._

* * *

Hello there. You may be able to guess who I am.

My name is Mamoru Chiba. Yes, I'm the token male character in a predominately female shoujo manga/anime. It's both a blessing and a curse. I'll let you figure out those reasons.

I am here for a reason. I have been reading up on culture, and apparently, tweens and teens all around the world frolic to their computers to write fan-fiction regarding myself, Usako, the Guardian Senshi, the Outer Senshi, various people who we've fought (Prince Diamond, Beryl, etc) and Seiya.

I am here to break down a few rules. You can write about us. We don't care; in fact, we find it quite flattering. Usako finds it particularly enjoyable that people find her so interesting. Some stories portray us quite adequately, others not so much. We don't mind those, as long as a suitable warning is put in place to warn you—the reader—about such event. Plus, if humor/satire, then Out-of-Character is perfectly fine to make the story work. (Although, preferably we'd be put in character, but I digress.)

However, a new trend is appearing. Horrible. Rubbish. Called. Stories.

Angst-ridden, horrible Miley Cyrus songs (yes, I _am aware_ of her existence) and out-of-character (which will be abbreviated OOC for obvious purposes) moments that are just plain _cruel._

I'm going to lay down a few ground rules, if you don't mind.

**Ground rule number one: For the love of all that is holy, abuse!fictions are not allowed.**

Do you think I'm some kind of horrible monster?! I would never even _think _about doing that to Usako! I'd be the worst person I knew if I even put a finger on her that slightly hurt her. She's my angel, for the love of _God. _Even if I'm drunk (which, let me state this _VERY. CLEARLY. _I only drink coffee, and (on occasion) grape smoothies, and V8 so Usako won't slap me in the friggin' head saying 'YOU SHOULD'VE HAD A V8') and even if I made _any sort of move _on Usako, she has enough common sense to scream, dammit, and run.

Honestly, if you want to make drunk-abuse fics, go ahead. Just make sure that none of _us _are in it.

Ahem.

**Ground rule number two: GET. YOUR. PAIRINGS. STRAIGHT.**

Let me make this _abundantly_ clear; the only females in love _that we know of _are Michiru-san and Haruka-san. If you haven't noticed, let me make _this _abundantly clear; Usako is currently only in love with me at the moment. She is not going to 'magically' fall in love with any of her Senshi. Yes, you can dream. You can dream. Helios encourages it. He only used the word 'dream' and variations of about 80,000 times in the fourth story arc.

Also, Chibiusa will _also _not be falling in love with any of the Guardian or Outer Senshi anytime soon. If anything else, I'm pretty sure that our O humble overlord made it pretty clear she'd be with Helios. If you can't see that, then get your glasses replaced. If you don't wear glasses, poke out your eyes and get some new eyes. Maybe from a homeless person?

Moving onward...

**Ground rule number three: Make your song-fictions RELEVANT and GOOD.**

I can't count how many horrible things I've read with random lyrics from random songs that I've never even heard of. The lyrics are randomly inserted into lines of poorly-written stories whose only sanction is the random lyrics inserted in-between said poorly-written story.

I've read some damn fine stories that are ruined by the incessant lyrics that are inserted into the _most random places._

I can't exactly evaluate on this point for long, because there are many more topics we must discuss.

**Ground rule number four: Rain fiction.**

Oh God...

You know, this idea was good when it was just a wee lad, floating up in the air, waiting for somebody to write it. But now, it's been vindicated and used _so many times _it just gets sad.

I shall grace you with an example.

Ahem.

_'Traditional rain story' by KawaiiNekoChanAngelMoonCullen_

_Summary: Mamoru finds Usgai in the rain. What will happen? Plz read, I'm not very good at summaries. _

Oh, and that's just the summary. It gets _better_ from there.

_'RAIN COMES OUT OF NOWHERE. Apparently, the only weather in Japan is rain. _

_Usagi runs down the street. She ran down the street, whimpering._

"_I'M FALLING!" Because we all know she's such a ditz. She hasn't gotten any better, noooo. _

"_-Whimper-I hate thunderstorms. They're icky."_

"_I grace you with my presence!" _

"_Oh-Em-Gee, it's Mamoru-baka!"_

"_Hello Odango. Are we having a fun time eating cement?"_

"_STFU Mamoru-baka. I dislike thunderstorms. They're icky."_

"_Here, let's go take cover in my apartment and make-out."_

"_'Kay."_

AND THAT. IS BASICALLY. _IT._

Alright, I should have left the sarcasm out of it, but come on. I find it horribly sad how that's the basic rundown of every rain story. Plus, that story was without any horrible grammar/spelling mistakes. (Minus the STFU.) Then there are 'trapped' stories, but I won't delve into those.

...Why would I be in the closet anyway? Is that a euphemism for something?

Oh, and just for the record, saying 'Please read' (or 'Plz read') and 'I suck at summaries' is not going to bring any more people to read your story. If you publish a book and on the back of the book where the summary is (if on paperback) or the little flap when you open it up (if hardcover) and after writing out the summary of the story you put 'plz read' or 'I suck at summaries', you're probably going to have a lot of people put the book down.

Well. Now that THAT'S out of the way...

**Ground rule number five: Pairings. Again.**

I went out with Rei for a week. _Tops. _We don't plan on getting back together _any. Time. Soon. _

Okay?!

I love U.S.A.K.O. There. I spelled it out for you. Understand?

Not Rei. She's a sweet girl, but I'm afraid I'm not going to get back together with her. _Ever_.

Short, sweet, to the point.

**Ground rule number something: Break-up stories/poems.**

This is quite more of a cliché than those stupid rain stories. I mean, come on. You've seen us break up. I was tackled, said I didn't feel the same way, Usako ran off to go cry in a phone booth, I felt like crap for the next couple of months, and then there was curry thrown into there, and then we got back together.

That's. it.

No, she did not go home and write about her 'tragic angst', nor did I. And we also didn't break up in some cliché-ridden way where the sky was gloomy, raining, and Usako had some 'premonition'.

No. No. _No._

Sorry, but none of that happened. And afterwards, Usako didn't go and try to kill herself, and I didn't write emo poems. Sad to say, creative writing wasn't my best subject.

Anyway. Usako didn't try to commit suicide. Because, if she did, I would have to resurrect her, kill her, and revive her again. Not really. God, if she actually _tried _to kill herself, I never would've broken up with her in the first place. I mean, really. If you're having dreams about your girlfriend dying, would you honestly let her kill herself? No. No, you wouldn't.

Besides, she wouldn't have just plopped the knife into her chest. No, suicide takes loads of thinking time, and Luna pr_obably _would've contacted me if she saw Usako holding a knife to her chest.

And she _didn't write any emo poems! _Let me stress that.

Anyway.

**Ground rule numb-.**

* * *

"Mamo-chan, where're the apples at?!" Usagi yelled from the kitchen. Mamoru sighed.

"In the basket under the microwave, Usako." He ran a hand through his hair.

"Oh...Oh! Here they are! Thanks Mamo-chan." She walked in to where he was, and pecked him on the cheek.

"What're you doing? You've been in here for an awfully long time."

"I'm ranting."

"What?"

"Ranting. You know, going on and on and on about things you don't like, making you seem like kind of a tool. But it's good stress relief, and God-only-knows I need it because of the stupid 20-page paper due." Usagi wrapped her tiny arms around him.

"Ah...it's alright Mamo-chan. I know you're busy-." A devilish grin spread across her face, "Hey Mamo-chan, I have a good way to reduce your stress." She whispered into his ear, and his eyes bulged and a blush formed on his cheeks.

"...and then we'd call it a night!" Usagi said, hopping up.

"Y-yeah...Usako...um...yeah, we can try that later...I'm sorry to push you away, but I really need to get this done."

"Oh, no need to apologize. I understand. Just take me up on that offer tonight, m'kay?" Mamoru sighed and shook his head, scared and in complete bliss all at one time.

"...yes...will do."

* * *

Where was I? Oh yes.

**Ground rule number seven: Seiya.**

Oh Seiya. Seiya, Seiya, Seiya.

Many people assume I don't like him—which is untrue. He kept Usagi company along with her Senshi, and helped her get through my, ah...'disappearance' when I went to (or tried to) go to America. He helped her get on with her life without me, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

However, one thing that just doesn't sit the right way with me is the fact that so many people are pairing her up with Seiya even though he even recognized her lack of feelings for him. She had no feelings for him besides friendship.

Have I made myself clear?

I will, however, give an exception: during when we had our ah, 'daily spats', it makes sense, due to the fact that we both had a mutual feeling of disdain for the other. Making Seiya time-travel, however, is something that one such author must work out to make it make sense.

Just inserting him into random scenes, making Usako go 'oh-em-gee I wuv you Seiya, Mamoru is _such _a tool' is not a story. It's just...well...crap.

**Ground rule number something-**

* * *

"Mamo-chan, I can't find the Fudgesicles! Did we run out?"

"No dear, they're behind the Vanilla ice-cream."

"Oh...oh! Okay. Thank you Mamo-chan."

* * *

Ahem.

**Ground rule number I lost track: Stop killing us!**

Okay, I'll admit that we die a lot. But we get revived rather quickly. Like, for one. Serena died when trying to save the planet (again) from a meteor. She died from the energy it took for her to save the planet. Okay, yes. I'll admit I was quite shaken after that. But then Fiore helped out, giving me his life energy and she survived because, for some _reason, _I had to kiss her to bring her back to life instead of just putting it on her lips. But I'm not complaining.

But kissing a dead person is weird. Really weird. Let me state that for the record.

Okay, then she used up her power trying to eliminate Beryl. She then wished to be a normal girl, and...for some odd, unexplained reason, we all came back to life.

Hooray! We're not dead anymore.

And, for the last time I can _remember_, when our star seeds were stolen, we all died. Serena managed to last the longest of all of us, but eventually, her fate was the same. But, ChibiChibi brought her back to life.

_Back. TO. LIFE._ And she wasn't a zombie, either. Or a vampire.

You see, O mighty overlord isn't going to kill us without somehow bringing us back to life. Then she'd just tick off people who like us. So if you choose to kill us (which will, by the way, tick us off _immensely_) at least have the common knowledge to bring us back to life.

**Final ground rule: Follow. CANON.**

If you follow it, you'll look like less of a tool. Hell, look at this one author........uhm.........what's-her-face...I read one of her stories on ...oh yeah! _IceCrome, _that was her name, she didn't follow canon that well and look at her. She's a tool.

If you don't follow canon, and you make your OWN story with OUR characters, that's kind of okay. At least make us in-character, and make the pairings...tolerable and plausible.

I'd like to stay and chat, but honestly, I'm losing brain cells talking about you annoying fans. Good writers keep us in-character, follow canon (unless using your own story plot, which is fine), and make all of the pairings tolerable and plausible.

* * *

"Alright," Mamoru cracked his knuckles, and rotated his wrists to get the feeling back in them. Usagi came in, and bit on her fudgesicle.

"You done? Because Chibiusa's home and she wants to go to the park. It's a really nice day out—we should go. Come on, Mamo-chan, step outside! Get some fresh air!" He chuckled, and closed the top of his laptop.

"Alright Usako. You're right—I do need to get out. Alright, let's go." He grabbed her free hand, and his laptop, with his lone rant, sat on the desk to be unread forever.

At least, that's what he thought.

_

* * *

_

I need to get out more. God, my skin is paler than a cloud. I'm whiter than the state of Utah!

_Not sure if that's something to be proud of._


	2. Chapter 2

_Originally planned to keep it a one-shot, but Promth...Promtherus....Prometheus (there we go) FireBringer politely asked me to continue. So I complied. A couple of OOC moments, by the by._

_I've been thinking about abridging the first SM movie. Review for feedback on whether you think I should do it or not._

_© Naoko Takeuchi. Lucky bastard is probably rolling around in money..._

_All opinions are expressed by me and are not necessarily the same opinions of Ms. Takeuchi._

* * *

Mamoru blinked.

And again.

His rant was er..._quite popular._

'Mamo-chan, why don't you post it on the internet?' Usagi, the voice of reasoning he should never listen to said, 'People will agree with you! I mean, since we are pretty popular...to well, boys over the age of 13 and Creepy old men...'.

So now people wanted to hear more.

_'Great,' _he thought, rubbing his temples, _'I'm writing a rant that I want to get out of my system, people like it, and demand more of my incessant opinions? What the hell?'_

Sighing, he opened up a Word Document, and the ideas in his head poured down.

* * *

Hello once more, fellow sarcastic tools. It is I, Mamoru 'Mamo-chan' Chiba again. You see, although I was hoping to keep my ranting to a minimum, I figured that I haven't covered enough topics.

Actually I have. Now I think I'm just doing this against my will.

And this is why I have no religion.

Ahem...

**Ground Rule Number asdhjk: YOU WILL NEVER BE A SAILOR SENSHI, END OF STORY.**

_No_, we are_ not _looking for new recruits. For the love of _God. _Your stupid Sailor Moon-wannabe is going to have to just stick to cosplaying.

And don't kill _me_ off just because _you_ want to bang my girlfriend. For God's sake, have some common decency. Seiya didn't like me, but he didn't want to impale me in the chest with a _saber_, for Christ's sake. And come on, remember what I said last time? O Humble overlord _will always bring us back to life._

And again, we aren't looking for your 'super-kawaii-sugoi-hawt' girl to add to our collection of teenagers fighting in mini-skirts. And I'm not going to run off and elope to Hawaii with your 'super-kawaii-sugoi-hawt' girl.

Let me, once again, make this perfectly clear: _I love Usako._

Moving on.

**Ground Rule ewreiop: The pairings. _Again_. **

Third damn time. _Although_ the first and second time I approached this, I was perturbed by the fact that so many people couldn't get their facts straight about Usako and Seiya. But now, I am perturbed by the fact that people think that the_ Inner Senshi_ are in love with each other.

No. Okay, Rei went out with me, making it quite obvious she's heterosexual. Makoto blushes at nearly _every guy we meet_, Ami had...maybe still has a boyfriend...Ryo Urawa? Anyway, they've been together for a while now, making her, again, straight. Minako was 'obsessed' with becoming The Starlights' Manager, according to Usako, and by 'become their manager' she meant 'date them'.

You see? They aren't going to going to any romantic dates with each other anytime soon. How do I know? I'm psychic.

Although, that really hasn't been said recently...

**Ground Rule Number jksaldjk: ALL OF OUR ENEMIES ARE DEAD. **

Beryl isn't going to come back and 'haunt us from beyond the graaaaaaave'! That bitch is _gone. _And Nehellenia is, too. And Dr. Tomoe is good now. And Galaxia is _also _somewhere in the galaxy. Prince Demand (who I like to call _Mr. Rapist) _and his flock of villains are also gone.

And no. There are also no new enemies that we are currently aware of. We are living a normal life. Hopefully.

And don't cross us over with completely insane things. Make it rational. Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, and other fantasy games that I _do_ know exist (thank you, Usako) are fine. However, freaking _Godzilla, _despite the fact that we are in Japan, _is not okay. _

I mean, really?! Really.

**Ground rule number whatever, I stopped caring: YOUR CRAPPY GRAMMAR.**

Why must you make us sit through and read things that are so horrible—.

* * *

"Mamo-chan, I'm trying to find Chibiusa's little pink dress, did you wash it already, because I can't find it anywhere."

"Oh, yeah. I cleaned it already. Why are you looking for it?"

"She wants to go over to her friends house in it; I was just wondering if you knew where it was!"

"Oh. Alright then."

* * *

Sorry about that.

Anyway, why must you make us sit through and read stories so error filled and lacking knowledge of correcting the most _BLANTANTLY OBVIOUS ERRORS._ It is incredibly, incredibly painful. My Usako, who, no offense to her, isn't the greatest writer in the world (but hey, everybody has mistakes) but at least she _tries _to figure out her errors and correct them. Are you trying to slowly drain my soul? Because we've already had that happen to us, and believe me—it won't happen again.

There's something called (hold your gasps) a _beta-reader _who will make sure your horrible error-stricken stories get fixed up properly. And, okay, if you're writing stories and you aren't very good at English, and you can't get a beta-reader, okay, then download _OpenOffice _or _Microsoft Word _© because those red squiggle lines _do _mean something.

So stop beating my brain against a hypothetical brick wall and actually _fix_ it.

**Ground rule number who cares: Please. PLEASE try to keep your facts straight.**

If you use 'Serena' and 'Darien', then Americanize it. (Apparently, there was a cartoon show of Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen here, and America decided to use it, just changing out names. I never watched it, but Usako did.) You can use any American restaurants or stores, or whatever. Don't use honorifics, either, because if you're American and you're saying 'Serena-chan', then people will think you're either stupid, annoying, or high/drunk.

Same thing with Japanese. Use honorifics, but don't say 'Hey Mamo-chan, you want to go hit _Barnes N' Nobles? _I heard they have some kawaii _comic books_ there.'

'Oh sure,_ Usako,_ then we can go eat at _T.G.I. Friday's_ and I can have some _jalapeño poppers.'_

_No. No. No. _It just doesn't work that way. Okay? Japanese, say we eat Rice Balls. American, say we eat jelly freakin' doughnuts. It's really, really simple.

**Ground Rule number askldjk: Stick to the REAL DEAL.**

I think I already covered this, didn't I? About Canon? Well, anyway. Please stick to it. And don't, for the love of all that is holy, make us do stupid things.

Okay. Let me make this perfectly clear; quite frankly, I can't remember how Usako and I met as Endymion and Serenity. But please..._please_...I didn't capture her, nor did we meet at some 'mushy Ball'. No, you can leave that up to your own creations. But at _least _make it _somewhat plausible, _because I'm pretty sure our O humble overlord doesn't want her creation to be bastardized by a tween.

No. That is the _opposite_ of what is good.

And here's how we met on _Earth_; I got his by a test paper, and then Usako and I yelled at each other a lot. That's. Basically. It.

And no, your character did not play matchmaker with us. Follow the script.

It gets aggravating to see person upon person use the _same. Idea. _It's a cool, new style until _everyone's _doing it. I mean, somebody, somewhere is probably stealing my idea for ranting and breaking the fourth wall.

* * *

Mamoru sighed, tapping a pen on his desk. Usagi, carrying in a glass of chocolate milk, wrapped her arms around him.

"Mamo-chan, what's the matter?"

"Oh, I'm just relieving stress again. I suppose it's getting upsetting, watching me pour my thoughts into a computer, instead of telling you." Usagi smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Mamo-chan, it's alright. I know if something was bothering you, you would've told me. But just getting off some little irritants by typing it is all right, too. Just make sure you don't spend _all _your time in here, because Chibiusa should be coming home from school in about half an hour, and she wants to go to the carnival downtown." Mamoru chuckled.

"Alright Usako. I'll be finished soon. Why don't you go see Motoki for a bit, hm? Then we can pick you up on our way to the Carnival." Usagi clapped her hands together.

"Motoki-oniisan! I haven't seen him in forever! I should! Call me when Chibiusa comes home, Mamo-chan!" She pecked him on the cheek, and hurried out the door. He laughed, and continued typing until Chibiusa came home.

**

* * *

**

Ground Rule who gives a damn: Please please please PLEASE make us actually have character development.

I have seen _so_ many stories where the outline is this:

_'I hate you! OMG Darien/Mamoru, you're such a jerk!'_

_'You're a ditz and a klutz who deserves to be the crazy cat lady.'_

_'YOU ARE CRUEL, SIR. I WILL GO OFF AND CRY NOW, MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE A TOTAL TOOL.'_

_'Well damn.'_

_SEGWAY~!_

_'Darien/Mamoru, you need to apologize. Stop being such a douche.'_

_'YOU'RE RIGHT, MOTOKI. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE HATED EACH OTHER FOR AT LEAST A MONTH, I HAVE BEEN SECRETLY HARBORING ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR HER. Because it makes sense, right?'_

_'Not at all. Now go chase after her and have a hot make-out session with her in your apartment/the park/wherever.'_

_AWKWARD SEGWAY!_

_'I feel unloved because Darien/Mamoru hates me, even though it's pretty obvious he's only making fun of me because he likes me, but I'm going to be a dunce and pretend I didn't see the HUUURT IN HIS EEEYES.'_

_'Odango/Meatball head. I'm sorry I hurt you. Let's have five minutes of awkward sexual tension before revealing our feelings for each other, then proceeding to have a fantastic kiss, even though kisses aren't exactly fantastic on the first time around.'_

_'Kay.'_

No.

Again. The opposite of what is good.

So please. Stop...just _stop..._

**FINAL Ground Rule: YOUR STORIES SUCK.**

Because people aren't commenting, reviewing, and their faces melt off like in _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ (Which I have seen, by the way. I am not being a hypocrite; Usako imported it.) then it's pretty obvious that your stories suck.

So stop tormenting us with things that are so horrible that Chibiusa has to sleep with Usako and me. So...please...for the children. If you see a bad story, or are the owner of a bad story, just kill it dead. Please just kill it.

"Done!" He sat back in the chair, hitting the 'save' icon on his Quick Access Toolbar. As if on cue, Chibiusa walked through the door, shouting 'Ohayo'. Mamoru shut the lid on his laptop, and greeted her with a ruffle of her hair.

"Ah, Chibiusa. Usako went down to the arcade to see Motoki. We agreed to meet her there so we could go to the carnival, and then you could go to your friend's house."

"Mamo-chan! Thank you! I've been wanting to go for forever!" She placed a kiss on his cheek, and he chuckled.

"Alright Chibiusa. Let's get going." She laid her backpack near the door, and took his hand.

Mamoru chuckled.

Maybe ranting wasn't so bad after all...

_

* * *

_

I was stretching a bit for ideas there. Don't point them out, or else I'll have you killed.

_And I'm fully aware I contradicted myself there a little. And I think Mamoru was a bit too OOC. _


End file.
